Day Six

As he had nothing else to do and could not possibly mess up anything else, Alfie decided for the second time it was a good opportunity to clear off. It was now dark outside and he didn’t fancy spending any more time in a strange house with a demented dog barking and howling at him. So he turned on his heel and went back down the stairs and bumped straight into the ghost of the man formally known as Ivan the Terrible.

Old age had not done him any favours but Alfie was still unable to assign an age to him with any sort of confidence.

“Nice save,” he said to Alfie. Ivan jerked his mouldy head towards the upstairs room.

“Thanks,” Alfie did not know what else he could say.

“Fancy a little stroll around the neighbourhood?”

“Not at this time of night,” Alfie stared at Ivan. It was amazing how he had gotten older but was still recognised as the kid who everyone was afraid of. Not even their friendly exchange over the death of Ivan’s grandfather soothes Alfie’s fear that he get thumped any moment.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Ivan leered eerily, showing a set of perfectly rotten teeth.

To Alfie, this just wasn’t funny. Here he was in a strange place, with an even stranger person and at night time to boot. “I would say it’s good to see you again and it’s a shame about the circumstances and all.”

“We can’t get out,” Ivan said, pointing to where the portal had once been.

“How on earth did that happen!?”

“You can’t figure on those damn things. One minute they’re there and the next minute they’re not.” Ivan shrugged.

“But we can’t stay here! There’s a demented dog, a traumatised baby and two mushy parents.”

Ivan sat down on the large sofa, tucking his long legs under him delicately. He leaned back, reached for the remote and turned on the television.

Alfie looked from Ivan to the remote in shock. How come Ivan could turn on the TV but he couldn’t? Just as he was about to ask, Ivan lifted one creaking hip and let loose with the foulest gas Alfie had ever had the displeasure to experience. He was so affronted that he leaned over Ivan and opened the front window to get some clean air. He was so busy mumbling about what a dirty pig he was in the company of, he missed what Ivan had said.

“Pardon?” he asked with his head still out the window. Even though disgusted, Alfie hadn’t lost his manners. His mother would have been proud. Suddenly Alfie realised he had opened the window without his hands passing through.

“I said: Congratulations you must have earned a little kudos from somewhere. If you do something well or correct something you have done wrong in the past life, you get to move something. Try to save your moves for something really important.”

Alfie sat down next to Ivan, testing the air carefully. It was just about tolerable.

“So is that the way of it then? We spook around looking for a good deed to do?”

“Something like that. I prefer to watch a little TV every now and again.”

Alfie looked to the screen. It wasn’t any sort of programme he had ever seen before. There were red and green flashing dots appearing and disappearing over a map of the world. He could make no sense of it.

Ivan watched the dots for a very long time and then turned to Alfie.

“How about we go check out the action across town?”

“I thought we couldn’t get out,”

Ivan pointed a long finger to a shadow just beyond the kitchen. “Let’s move before it does.” With that, Ivan was up and out of the coach and halfway across the room before Alfie had decided it would be a good move to follow him. They passed through the portal and landed smoothly into the family’s back yard.

A small swimming pool shimmered in the moonlight, Alfie caught his breath. How long had it been since his last swim? A good old splash was exactly what he needed after a day like today. How better to end the first day of your life in the after world than with a little paddle. Without thinking things through, he kicked off his ghostly slippers and dove in. He had expected, of course, to feel refreshed. Instead he felt as if he had slid across sandpaper. Worse, Ivan was laughing at him.

“Dummy,” he called, “Don’t you know that ghosts can’t go in water?”

Alfie lay on top of the surface of the water and slapped his hands in fury. There was not a splash, not a sound and it hurt. He pushed himself to his knees, which also hurt and got to his feet which hurt worse of all.

“Shut up,” he blandly said to Ivan. “How am I supposed to know these things?” He limped out of the pool and quickly put his slippers back on, his feet still feeling the sting.

Ivan was still chuckling quietly.

They walked side by side, slipping through open gates and sometimes climbing over them. Again, Alfie felt relieved to be free of his cumbersome physical body. In fact, besides the stinging of his feet, he almost felt young again.